The A-Z of Fulfilling Relationships

The A-Z of Fulfilling Relationships

Great relationships don't just happen. And as we're often reminded, they're the result of hard work, commitment and trust built over a lifetime of interaction. Since there are no short-cuts, it pays to be mindful of the basic attitudes and qualities that create strong, successful marriages, families and friendships. See how you measure up in our list of must-dos and must-avoids! A = ADJUSTMENTS Successful relationships are all about adjustment and compromise. The happiest couples will tell you there's no way to forge a lasting relationship without give and take. Adjustments are a necessary part of living together, and it's something both parties need to make. Don't insist on your way all the time or try to force people into behaving how you think they should. B = BLAME Pointing the finger of blame is often what we do to deny our part in a conflict. The problem with this is it never solves anything and it nearly always triggers a negative reaction. When you're playing the blame game, you get the other person on the defensive, which makes it difficult for him or her to think rationally about what you're saying (even if you've got a valid point!) and respond in a positive manner. C = COMMUNICATION Good communication is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Make an effort to communicate rationally and be sensitive to the other person's point of view, feelings and state of mind. Don't forget communication involves listening as much as expressing your own thoughts, feelings or views. D = DESIRE Contrary to what popular culture dictates, sexual intimacy goes beyond mere physical gratification. So while passion and desire are important aspects of a loving relationship, it's only within the context of marriage (where there is a foundation of real trust, commitment and loyalty) that you will feel truly connected to your partner and genuinely loved. E = EMOTIONAL IQ Paying full attention and really listening when someone is talking is the key to identifying emotionally with him or her. Building a close rapport with the important people in your life comes naturally when you learn to show sincere concern for them. As the saying goes, people don't care how much you know, till they know how much you care. F = FORGIVE & FORGET Hurt by something a loved one did and can't get over it? If the relationship is worth salvaging, and if you yourself are struggling with anger and bitterness, it's time to try forgiving and forgetting. Cut yourself and your partner some slack. It may be a one-off mistake that he or she committed in the heat of the moment. Resolve the issue and move on - you owe it to yourself. G = GIVE 100% OF YOURSELF The more of yourself you're willing to invest in relationship, the more fulfilling it becomes. Your commitment and willingness to work at it, no matter how tough the goings gets, is the most obvious way to build a strong marriage. It will mean sacrifices of time, effort and emotional energy, but the lifetime rewards are well worth it. H = HONESTY This is the cornerstone of all successful human relations, whether personal or professional. Without honesty, there is no trust, and without trust there is no growth. Watch your motives, though, and see that honest words are always spoken in a loving manner for the benefit of the other party. True honesty is never an excuse to attack another person's weaknesses or destroy their confidence. I = INDEPENDENCE Everyone needs space to grow and evolve, so learn to appreciate other people's individuality. Clinging to a partner and spending every waking moment together may seem romantic at first, but you'll soon find that you need some form of interest independent of one another to keep the relationship fresh and exciting. J = JEALOUSY This green-eyed monster rears its ugly head in even the best of relationships, when the insecurity is not addressed at an early stage. Jealousy clouds rational thinking and provokes ugly words or actions that leave lasting scars. While it may be linked to a loved one, it is never motivated by love, but rather a fear of not being loved. Constantly reassuring your loved ones of your affection and devotion helps to keep this damaging emotion in check. K = KINDNESS Never underestimate simple acts of kindness in showing someone how much you appreciate and love them. Finding opportunities to do little favors, extend thoughtful gestures and pay heartfelt compliments to those around you keeps you from taking people for granted. L = LAUGHTER Take time to laugh and share simple pleasures with your loved ones. A sense of humor is a great tool for defusing tense situations and lightening the pressures of daily life. The most treasured memories often include an element of joy in them. M = MANNERS Simple courtesies such as saying 'please' and 'thank you', minding your table manners or putting another's needs before your own are often allowed to slip as familiarity sets in. Politeness and consideration always make others feel valued. N = NURTURE Seek to nurture others through encouraging words, sharing in their successes and reinforcing their value and self-worth. The knowledge that someone believes in you and your dreams is a powerful affirmation and it paves the way for deep, meaningful friendships. O = OPENNESS Avoid rigid mindsets or expectations which are a sure-fire recipe for disappointment. No one is perfect and we all have quirky traits, so keeping an open, easy-going attitude towards a loved one's peculiar habits, without trying to change them, will save you ( and them) lots of unnecessary stress. P = PATIENCE Patience is vital in any successful relationship. It's the one quality that no couple can do without, for better or for worse, and the extent of one's patience can determine how frequently conflict occurs. Q = QUALITY TIME Carve out space and time for the special people in your life. Never crowd your calendar with so many activities and social commitments that you fail to factor in quality time with your spouse, parents or close friends. R = RESPECT Mutual respect is central to a strong, satisfying relationship. Even if you disagree with another's actions or opinions, you can still show respect for them. As correct or informed as you think you are, never put down or belittle others. Instead, learn to appreciate their unique strengths that complement your own weaknesses. S = SELF-WORTH A healthy self-image is important as it enables you to receive love as well as give it. If you cannot love yourself, it is unlikely that you will be receptive to other people's expressions of affection towards you. It can be very frustrating for people to keep trying to convince you of how much they care if feelings of low self-esteem and lack of confidence keep getting in the way. T = TRYING TIMES Tough times are inevitable, and can pose a challenge for any couple. Whether it's financial, health-related or an issue of broken trust, these seasons test the true mettle of your commitment to one another. Unless you're in an abusive situation, eliminate the option of divorce or separation from your mind completely. Too often, it's the convenient solution which deprives you of the opportunity to strengthen and deepen your love for one another through adversity. U = UNDERSTANDING Being understanding of others comes from putting yourself in their shoes to see why they speak or behave a certain way. Trying to understand their insecurities when they act up, and accepting them as they are without being judgmental builds bridges rather than walls. V = VACATION Stressed from the hustle and bustle of city life? Take a vacation with those you love, to rekindle romance or just create memories to treasure. W = WIDENING SPACES It begins as a sense that you're drifting apart or from a prolonged difference of opinion, but if you're not careful, you'll soon let go and let the gap between you widen. A few missed calls words left unsaid and sweeping issues under the carpet can all result in a huge chasm. Don't let indifference set in - keep the communication channels open. X = XTREME MEASURES Sometimes, it takes tough love to protect the people we love from themselves, such as when there's an addictive habit involved. Caring enough to confront them and taking extreme steps may be necessary to nudge them towards admitting and seeking help with these issues. Y = YIELDING A mature love does not insist on getting its own way all the time. And not every subject needs to become a raging debate if you learn to distinguish between essential and non-essential issues. Being gracious and yielding occasionally can promote a healthy give-and-take relationship. Z = ZEROING IN ON A PROBLEM The most effective way to deal with any problem arising in a relationship is first to admit that it exists. Avoid generalizations on how bad or impassive the state of the relationship is, but rather take time to reflect and identify specific issues affecting it, and see how these can be addressed.

Article Source - http://herbsforlove.com/hfl/articles/The%20A-Z%20of%20Fulfilling%20Relationships.php

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The Psychology of Friendship

With social networking the very crux of modern virtual living, it is simply not possible to avoid a psychology of friendship. But friendship may not be as simple as it seems as it has got several layers and complexities and friendship can be of many types. Yet friendship like love depends on the single factor of attraction and in this case, it is more of a mental and emotional rather than physical attraction. So when romantic love begins with physical attraction, friendship is more mental, emotional or psychological.

Among maybe thousands of students we meet in school or a few hundred we meet at the workplace, we finally become close and attain a level of friendship with very few or limited people. So like love, friendship also goes through our internal filter and as we choose our lovers unconsciously, even our friends are chosen unconsciously as we intuitively understand who could be our true friends.

Apart from the fact that there is this unconscious and intuitive filter which we exercise when we choose our friends or lovers, we also do get consciously attracted to people with whom we develop long lasting relationships and friendships. This attraction could be sexual but most likely we are attracted to the personality, to someone whose personal style, mannerisms and attitudes seem fascinating, intriguing or simply similar. There could be a narcissistic theory to this as we choose friends who may look, talk or think like we do and usually there is this mental rapport from the very beginning. Just as love could happen at first sight, friendship could also begin with 'like' at first sight.

Now this liking could have several gradations and in some cases you would simply like to remain as contact as in social networking. You simply follow a person on twitter or add someone as friend on face book because there is this basic or unconscious liking or at least a realization that there could be some gain from the virtual relationship. However this is the first superficial layer of friendship just as you would smile at or share a piece of news with a complete stranger in a train without ever keeping in touch or meeting again. This sort of friendship is the 'random friendship' variety.

Most of your social network friends who you do not know would be such random friends and strangers who you meet once and share a random conversation in a flight or a train or a bus would also be such random friends. This is the first layer or stage of friendship and in most cases we do not go beyond this stage. Most people we meet in our lives would be such random friends. This is a friendship of no expectations on both sides. This sort of friendship fulfils our basic social interaction and communication needs. Say for example, you give a speech at a conference and some people ask you questions and you answer them, to you these are your listeners but in this basic interaction there is a sense of rapport and almost an initial level of friendship. These, your listeners who choose to communicate with you are your random friends and they fulfil your interaction and communication needs.

The next stage of friendship is the distal friendship stage is which there is some unconscious or conscious expectation from the friendship and there may be a conscious sexual or emotional attraction. This sort of friendship is with people you regularly communicate with and you are also most likely interested in their activities. Distal friends are people you may or may not meet but are people with whom you want to maintain a long term and meaningful relationship and in most cases you have some knowledge of what goes on in their social or personal lives. This is the second level of friendship and second type of friendship and although there is expectation from this sort of relation, there may not be any clear idea as to what expectations there are. You simply know that you want to remain in touch with such friends and they are more than just contacts. These friends fulfil our power and recognition needs as with such friends we are assured that there are people in the world who care about us and are interested in our lives, dreams and achievements.

The third stage and type of friendship is of close proximal variety and this is the friendship between family members, close school friends, close workmates and friendship between spouses and lovers. In this sort of friendship there could be many expectations and there is sometimes an intuitive emotional connection. The initial reason for friendship could be physical attraction as in spouses or simply emotional connection as with family members or there could be a shared life and shared physical activity as in case of school or work friends. The close or proximal friends would know most details of your life and this sort of friendship entails expectations of sharing which may or may not be realistically possible. For example if sons and daughters leave home to work or study abroad, the parents who are still close friends would expect that their children would talk to them every week and this may not always be feasible. These close or proximal friends or stage of friendship fulfils our basic security, love and safety needs.

Thus from these stages or types of friendship you would know that the most essential types of friends are the close friends followed by distal friends and then random friends. Some individuals have more random friends than others and are thus of outgoing extroverted personality. These individuals are generally more curious about the world, have leadership are more open and communicative, they are also possibly very creative. However their primary needs are for social interaction and communication.

The second type of individual has more distal friends or social contacts with whom they are neither too close nor are they completely aloof. Such individuals have a wide range of social contacts with expectations but few random contacts and they are of mixed extroverted-introverted personality pattern. That means on a scale of 10, their extroversion would be 5 to 7. The primary need for such individuals is power or recognition. Of course this could have varied possibilities as with public or social figures and personalities such as writers, actors or politicians, there will naturally be more random contacts, yet as natural preference some public personalities will prefer social recognition as opposed to social communication. This preference is the basis of their social personality and would define the kind of friendship they choose to have.

The third type of individual is completely introverted and these are poets or artists or simply individuals who like to work on their own and lean heavily on their close network of friends and family members. Such individuals may have limited social contacts and very few random contacts and may not enjoy leadership positions. In some cases their introversion or aloofness would overshadow any leadership skills they do have. Such individuals could be very creative as well but this creativity may lead to complex ideas and highlight the subjective. In this case close friendship which fulfils love, safety and security needs are the primary needs of such individuals and such individuals are more emotion and security, or home and family oriented rather than communication or recognition oriented. From these three friendship patterns it is possible to delineate these three types of social personality based on social interactions.

Of course at the moment this is popular psychology and very little research in social psychology has studied levels of friendship, friendship in social networking or friendship styles that could relate to personality. Yet in the future psychology would not be able to avoid such research and with increased importance of social networking and virtual friendship, psychology will have to study how friendships are formed, why certain people become our friends and why different levels of friendship are attained with different individuals. Although there are theories on friendship and group formation in children, more studies into adult relationship formation and friendship would be necessary in psychology. Research studies will also have to be conducted to determine whether people with more random friends are ever curious creative types seeking communication and whether people with more distal friends and fewer random friends seek power and achievement and whether introverted individuals primarily lean on emotional security. With increased technological possibilities and an ever connected world, friendship remains a very fertile area of study in the social sciences.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5325602

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How to Talk to Women

by Allen Thompson

By golly, you’ve actually met a woman.

Maybe you’re in bar. Maybe you’re at the gym or Laundromat. Maybe she’s someone you know from work. Or maybe, even, you’re actually out on a date.

In any event, now you’ve got to do something scary, something unpredictable, something with the power to launch a future romantic relationship, or end one before it even gets started. YOU’VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.

What do you talk about? Should you tell her about your childhood, your therapist, your plans for the future, the wart on your big toe? What if you can’t think of anything to say? What if you say the wrong thing? And, by the way, what would be the "right" thing to say? Do you have a clue?

Most guys don’t. When your average gent converses with a woman, he’s basically just flailing blindly at the wind, hoping by chance that something he says will "connect" with the woman and make her fall for him.

Needless to say, this is not the "Don Juan" way of doing things.

You need to have a plan. You need to know DEFINITELY what works and what doesn’t, what to talk about and what not to talk about. You don’t want to leave her feelings to chance or to fate. You want to be charming and in control.

And that’s what we’re going to discuss right now.

Now there are many many aspects of a conversation. This particular article focuses on the conversational TOPICS that you should focus on when wooing a beautiful lady. Those topics which will almost GUARANTEE increased interpersonal attraction. Topics which will leave you in complete charge of the conversation, and which will leave you the option, IF YOU SO DESIRE, of future conversations, dates, or an intense romantic relationship.

Are you getting excited?

Okay, so WHAT exactly do you talk about?

Well, the first thing to remember is that men frequently err by talking TOO MUCH. They often monopolize conversations, droning on and on about topics that bore women to tears. They think they’re "impressing" the women when, in reality, they’re "depressing" the women.

Just because a woman listens to you and acts interested in what you’re saying doesn’t necessarily mean she really is. She might just be acting polite while silently wishing that the date would hurry up and end, or that you would go away... and never come back.

So key number one is DON’T TALK SO MUCH! Try not to monopolize the conversation and try to LISTEN to what SHE has to say. Remember, everyone is incredibly interested in what they themselves have to say. People will talk to you about themselves for as long as you will listen.

So stop worrying about what you’re going to say next. Focus all your attention and energy on listening to what the woman is saying to you. Try to visualize or "feel" what she’s saying.

This does take a little effort. It’s not very hard to do, but it’s not something that men "naturally" do. You simply have to concentrate.

Now when listening you want to pay particular attention to any "seeds" or free information she happens to throw your way. Seeds refer to subtle hints that women give that point to conversational topics that they would like to or be willing to discuss.

An example:

Bob: You come here often?
Kim: Actually this is my first time here. Just moved here from Florida.
Bob: Oh. I come here every week. I love this band. It’s pretty crowded tonight.

Bob is clueless.

Kim gives him plenty of free information to follow up on. It’s almost as if she’s testing him to see if he has the intelligence or social skills to capitalize on what she says. Bob fails.

So what would be the "right" thing to say?

Well... she mentions that this is her first time in the club and she just moved here from Florida. Bob could have properly "watered the seeds" by asking a) How does she like the club, band, etc? b) What brought her here from Florida? c) How long has she been in the area? d) Where in Florida is she from? e) How long was she there? f) What’s it like there?

Kim’s two short sentences gave Bob tons of information to follow up on. Tons of conversational topics that she has indirectly indicated that she’d like to talk about. But Bob was too worried about himself. Too worried about the impression he was making. Too worried about what to say next to LISTEN to what she said.

Do you see the importance of listening now? You must concentrate on what she says and block everything else out of your mind. If you listen you never have to worry about what to say next because the other person is "telling" you exactly what to say.

Kim even subtly indicated that she was attracted to Bob (or at least not repulsed by him). How? She didn’t blow him off. She gave him some free information to talk to her about. This may have been a conscious decision on her part or it may have been a somewhat unconscious act. In any event, Bob didn’t pick up on it and blew his chances with her.

Keep in mind that if a woman likes you or would like to get to know you better, she will GIVE YOU free information to follow up on. She will throw out some seeds for you to water. If she’s not attracted to you, she won’t give you much of anything and it will be very difficult to maintain a decent conversation with her. No matter how charming you are, if she doesn’t "help you out some" you’ll eventually have to admit defeat and walk away.

So be sure to listen for the topics she’d like to discuss.

Now in order to converse for maximum attraction, you need to keep two other things in mind. You need to tell her about yourself. And you need to maintain a proper talk/listen ratio.

You may have heard or read somewhere that people like to talk about themselves and that you should spend most of your time listening and asking questions if you want others to like you. This is true... to a certain extent.

People DO like to talk about themselves and they DO like those who listen, ask questions, and seem interested in what they’re saying.

But...

If you’re goal is to charm this lady, you’ve got to do more than that. You’ve got to tell her something about yourself. Specifically, you’ve got to "tell her" that YOU TWO ARE VERY MUCH ALIKE.

You do this by making "me-too" statements.

That is, it is desirable to bring yourself into the conversation when you can relate yourself to something she’s talking about or make yourself seem similar to her.

For example:

Kim: I really miss Miami.
Jim: I can imagine. I spent two weeks in Miami last summer. I loved it. Even thought about moving there myself.

Jim is smooth.

Jim didn’t ask a question (this time). He told Kim something about himself that made him seem similar to her. Now if Jim has also been listening and asking questions, then he’s probably doing very well with Kim.

A good talk/listen ratio would be around 40/60 or 30/70. That is, you want to spend around 30 or 40 percent of the time talking, and about 60 to 70 percent of the time listening. And you should spend as much of that 30 to 40 percent as possible in the "me-too zone."

Think about it this way...

Let’s assume you just went on a dinner date with a lady you like very much. If you monopolized the conversation and spent most of the time telling her how "wonderful" you are, you can pretty much expect there won’t be a second date. I hope you can understand this.

On the other hand, imagine you’d spent the entire two hours together sitting there, listening, and asking her questions. You probably did much better. She did seem happy. She did seem to enjoy the conversation. But still...

After the date she’s going to go home and think about the date. And she’s going to think about you. She’s going to think about whether she should spend more time with you or not.

The fact that you haven’t said much of anything all evening is going to be your downfall... BECAUSE SHE HAS NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT.

You haven’t told her anything about yourself. She still has no idea if she should be interested in you or not. She knows you don’t monopolize the conversation and you’re a good listener. And she likes that. But that’s not enough to spark any kind of emotion in her.

Now imagine you’d spent 60 to 70 percent of the date listening to her (really listening and asking questions), and about 30 to 40 percent of the time telling her about yourself. Specifically, telling her about yourself in a way that makes the two of you seem very similar.

This time when she goes home, sits down, grabs something to drink, and starts reminiscing about the date (and you), she’s going to have something substantial to think about. She’s going to think what a wonderful conversationalist you are. You didn’t monopolize the conversation. You didn’t bore her with details of your job, your childhood, or the health of your colon.

And because you spent a substantial amount of time pointing out how similar the two of you are, she’s going to think that you are very SPECIAL. (After all, you’re just like her. You must be.)

People always like others who are similar to themselves. By being similar to me, you essentially validate my perceptions of the world. I will see you as clever, intelligent, charming, and likeable... because you’re like me.

(It’s true that opposites do SOMETIMES attract. But only under certain situations. On the other hand, similars ALMOST ALWAYS attract. You should always go for the similarity angle during the first part of a relationship. You’ll can reveal to her your "unique" qualities later.)

And don’t worry or feel cheated because you don’t get to talk about the things you want to talk about. If you play your cards right during the first few conversations or dates, you’ll have plenty of time later on to bore her with all your "interesting" stories.

The first few conversations (dates) are critical and you have to "play" them right. That means listening for free info, asking interested questions, and making "me too" statements. It’s a simple 1, 2, 3.

Article Source- http://www.sosuave.com/articles/at/converse.htm

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How to Remain Calm In ANY Situation

Have you ever been out somewhere and all the sudden you feel that creeping, cramping, and suffocating feeling come over you? You try to fight it off but it just gets worse and you know it's nervousness, don't you?How does a person get rid of that?

Well when I was younger I had it really bad, everywhere I went I'd be nervous to the point of actually going to the doctor for it. He said I had social anxiety disorder and that I'd need to be put on medication for it for the rest of my life! What a crock of crap.

THAT STUFF CAN BE OVERCOME WITHOUT THE NEED FOR PILLS

Here's the proof; I took the meds for a time then started working to overcome the need for them using the techniques I'll describe here in a minute. It honestly felt like I was going insane for a time after stopping the pills (it's been 7 years now) but eventually as I took the steps to become more self-confident and to have a bit more self-esteem, I started to come out of the fog of needing them.

I've done some pretty crazy crap though in trying to get over my fears of people. Taking it to the point of dressing ridiculous out in public with stuff painted all over my face and wearing a dress, while yelling "hey everybody!!!" just so that I'd have no chance of redeeming myself from or fearing any kind of rejection. Now you aren’t got to go THAT FAR OUT THERE with it, but it does help bad cases.

I finally and proudly got to the point of giving many speeches in public, going to parties on a regular basis, and hanging out with crowds I've never thought I'd get along with. Not saying ANY of this to brag but just to let you know where I came from and that it's possible, no matter where you're starting at. Anyone can get this handled.

Now here's a small list of non-crazy things that I've found to work REALLY WELL in becoming naturally calm...

· Control your breathing, begin taking deep breathes and try to get it down to where it's a habit.

· Repeat the word "relaaaax" in your mind when you feel nervousness coming over you. Even do it while you're in public.

· Picture your body in your mind, and gradually relax each muscle in it, from your head to your feet one muscle at a time.

· Do basic meditation while you're by yourself. Lie down and relax your mind and body. There are all kinds of sources out there that can help you and give you more info on this.

· Start pushing yourself to get into increasingly more public situations. Doing this by itself makes all the lesser stressful things that use to make you nervous, look like nothing. Start talking to strangers while out one on one...then maybe try talking to a group ect.

· If you can, start giving speeches at meetings or groups. Toastmasters’ international is a great place for this. It's a public speaking group that meets in an area probably close to your home. Try looking them up on google sometime if you're interested.

· Learn more about human relations and communication. Half of self-confidence and comfort comes from knowing what to do in a situation

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6652695

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